IT’S GONE!!!!
LOCALS LOSE GRIP ON MOE AS SCOTLAND STEALS SILVER
After a remarkable 36 holes of breathtaking golf, yet another Australian trophy is heading for the Northern Hemisphere. In what is becoming commonplace on Australian sporting fields, foreign raiders, such as Vintage Crop and Johnny Fucking Wilkinson, are emptying the local cabinet, and Scotsman Hamish Sutherland has now added the prestigious Moe Norman Trophy.
“It’s just a fantastic fillip for the people of Scotland. Ocken tell yooo, even the Campbells and MacDonalds will be sharing hot totties tonight. And that’s no’ a pooofy term either!” Sutherland added that all of Scotland was behind him: “The support was tremendous. I spoke to me parelents earlier and they had watched The Moe live on the telly – it was apparently being shown as part of the Edinburgh Comedy Festival.”
The trophy, which Hamish calls ‘Nessie’, will spend 6 months in Scotland and 6 months in Queensland, home of fellow victor Tim Bell. Newcomer and part-time bandit Bell shot a 74 off the stick on the second day and still maintained he deserved his 27 handicap.
“We all know I am much better than that, but look at the irony; Reegs gave me that handicap and we beat his team by 3 points. You just cannot write that shit – it’s better than fiction!
*The Great Moe Norman reflecting on the tournament named in his honour.
The tournament began at the Barwon Heads Golf Club in the most adverse of conditions, with horizontal rain making teeing off hard enough and the gale force winds playing havoc with the balls mid-flight. As a result, the players struggled in the main and scores were generally at the lower end on the first day.
By the completion of 18 holes, only two teams were really in the hunt and a gulf existed between them and the remaining groups. The overnight joint leaders (Sutherland/Bell & Andrew Regan/Andy Langridge) also contained the two leading individuals (Bell & Regan), so the winners of both events were always going to come from this foursome. Nevertheless, Regan was concerned:
“Langers really didn’t play well and I carried him all day. I needed a different partner on the Sunday if I was to win the Teams and get my name on the trophy.”
“He (Langers) had to head back to Melbourne on Saturday night to return on Sunday. So I rang him in the morning, told him it was cancelled, got Alex instead and I almost won it.”
Last years co-teams winner, Gavin Collopy, and individual winner, Haydn Wall both struggled over the first 18, with neither in threatening positions and both needing big efforts on the Sunday.
“I usually rely on my teammates to get me over the line”, said a disappointed Collopy after his first round, “so I will be having a good talk to Dean tonight and will be telling him to pull his finger out. Especially if he gets beaver.”
Despite the heavy conditions and low scoring, an overnight motivational watching of the Wallabies v Wilkinson final of the World Cup inspired the players to lofty heights on the Sunday.
Following a spectacularly woeful breakfast at the Barwon Heads pier, the front nine on Sunday saw much jostling for position, but no one managed to break clear. As the final round progressed and the pressure mounted, the weak wilted and the strong stood tall until the last nine holes, where this tournament has always been decided.
“The Back Nine on Sunday – it’s one of the most famous terms in golf and it all started right here at The Moe”, explained tournament historian and truth embalmer, Pete Fary. “Of course, now they even say it at Augusta and claim it as their own, which is a bit rich. I mean, it’s not like we claim fried chicken and collared beans.”
At the final turn, it appeared Reegs’ plan had worked and that he and Alex would take out the Teams event, until Tim pulled out a blistering nine holes to see his team home by 3 points. This did little to sour Reegs’ mood, however, as he was victorious in the lesser individual’s event. “I still care about the team, but only the ‘m’ and ‘e’ parts. Now that I’m on the trophy I couldn’t give a clacker about how I got there.”
For those teams no longer in the hunt, the focus turned to the minor medals such as the Nearest the Pin and the Longest Drive competitions. Damian Lee was dominant, winning both NTP’s and one LD, while Clayton won the LD on the Saturday then packed his bags and buggered off home.
Teams Event
Sutherland & Bell 87
Regan & Northey 84
Haydn/Faz 72
Dean/Gav 71
Damien/Matt 66
Jez/Kevin 63
Newman* & Northey 51
*Newman only 27 holes
Individuals Event
Andrew Regan 72
Tim Bell 69
Alex Northey 63
Jerome Collopy 57
Haydn Wall 56
Hamish Sutherland 54
Damien Lee 53
Gavin Collopy 51
Pete Fary 45
Dean Kohlman 45
Matt Scott 41
Dave Newman (27 holes) 41
Kevin Kennedy 37
Andy Langridge (18 Holes) 20
In Brief: The Low On The Moe
As usual, The Moe lived up to its enviable reputation with an exhibition of a rare brand of golf full of highlights, ironies and anomalies:
*Hamish used to play off 11. This year he played off 18. He still scored 18 short of par. His name is now on the trophy…….well played, Tim!
*The team of Reegs and Alex finished 1st & 3rd individually and had a combined total of 135. Yet they lost by 3 points to Tim and Hamish, who finished 2nd & 7th and whose combined total was only 123. This shows The Moe truly is a team’s event.
*Amazingly, only Reegs played to handicap or better over the entire weekend. He turned +1 at half way and played the only sub par round of the tournament with -1 on the Sunday.
*Jerome Collopy finished 5th individually but last in the teams, highlighting just how terribly teammate Kevin Kennedy played.
*Dave Newman played nine less holes than the others played, yet still scored 4 more points than Kennedy and the same as Matt Scott. Could have finished Top 3 but lacked the necessary ticker and piked it when it came to the Back Nine on Sunday.
*Haydn’s handicap was reduced this year from 17 to 14 and he didn’t win. Reegs’ ‘drifted’ out from 14 to 17 and he did win.
*95% of the best scores on the Sunday were by those that got completely hammered on the Saturday night, thereby dispelling any crap myth about so-called correlations between health and sport.
*Of those that got on it, Alex really impressed. He ploughed through countless pots, tried some of the worst pick up lines on countless women, got about 20 minutes sleep then went out and scored 34 points!
Jerome Collopy: Driving Like Makinen
Counting among his idols Craig McRae and Tommy Makinen, Jerome ‘Fangio’ Collopy displayed more driving skills off the course than he did on it at Barwon Heads on the weekend.
* Jerome Collopy in his Peugeot, with Andrew Regan watching on.
Rallying home from the local shops, Collopy was “in the zone” and enjoying pushing his Pug to its limits, when suddenly he found himself headed straight for Andrew Regan, who, like his footy club, was in the middle of the road and going nowhere.
While the option of taking out the overnight leader crossed Collopy’s mind, he instead swerved to take out a reflector post instead.
“Regan was like a roo in headlights – he just stood there staring at me! The proverbial stunned mullet! But I handled it like a true professional and besides, Regan Motors will be footing any repair costs.”
Jerome was generous enough to offer to drive anyone back to Melbourne, but those without a car mysteriously chose to walk instead.
Mickleson & Melbourne: “Reegs Gives Us Hope”
Perennial bridesmaid and complete tosser Phil Mickleson said today that he has been inspired by Andrew Regan’s triumph in achieving a “greater than second place” result.
Having also been successfully unsuccessful, Mickleson was happy for Reegs and spoke of its meaning:
“If Reegs can do it, so can I. He is an inspiration to anyone who thought that while they could talk the talk, the ability to walk the walk was beyond them.”
Meanwhile, the Melbourne Football Club has issued a statement of similar sentiment:
“Andrew Regan has really bucked the trend of what this club expects and, indeed, is most comfortable with. He has “done a Gutnick”, so to speak – only this time we like it…”
For Tim The Bell Tolls
Celebrating his entry into The Moe with a debut gong in the Teams event, Tim Bell was the story of the tournament and was ecstatic at his triumph:
“I have to work with Reegs, and so this little beauty (the trophy) will be hanging in my office reminding him of who the real champion is!”
Bell conceded he did a Baddeley by playing both courses every day for the two weeks prior to The Moe. However, it was refreshing he stopped short of thanking his Lord & Saviour for his win, preferring to just thank Hamish instead.
Kennedy Found in Grassy Knolls
One of the finest hacks to ever grace a Moe fairway, Kevin Kennedy celebrated the 40th anniversary of his famous uncle’s assassination by spending more time in the Barwon grassy knolls than the supposed second gunman did in Dallas.
* The famous Grassy Knoll in Dallas
“It was murder out there on the course. I was struggling to get a clear shot all day and it was ultimately a matter of just aim through the trees and shoot. I think I was working on a single golf ball theory – every single golf ball I hit got frigging lost!”
Kennedy’s shots were so misfired that he lost no less than 43 Titleist golf balls, effectively ending his lucrative sponsorship deal.
Matt Finds Grass That’s Always Greener
Few people are aware of the amount of research and time spent on selecting the most appropriate courses to hold the Moe Norman Invitational. This year, as in past ones, Course Selector Matt Scott based his choice on both form and function.
“It’s a fine balance – you want a good looking course, but it’s got to play well too. Considering the time of year was coming into summer (despite the degree of rain), I was looking for grass that would give some run but not dry out.
“So I chose courses with a cooch/fescue combination. The cooch provides the run and the fescue is a real green top – drought resistant and shade tolerant so that, like me, it always looks good.”
Added Scott: “It proved a real hit – for the others, anyway. For me, the fairways ran alright….straight into the bloody rough!”
Matt’s ‘essential knowledge’ has been a major factor in the phenomenal success of the tournament on a general level, if not a personal one.
Faz’s Facts
Tournament historian Pete Fary shares some of the lesser-known facts about Moe Norman and golfers in general:
Did You Know 1?
….that the Great Moe Norman has won 54 tournaments and set 33 course records. And he’s got 17 or 18 aces.
Did You Know 2?
….that the Great Namesake Greg Norman has come second in 54 tournaments. However, he owns 33 courses and he’s got 17 or 18 Lear jets.
Haydn Hits Wall
Fails at Four Play but Wife Still Happy
Defending Individual Champion Haydn Wall’s attempt to complete the “Four Play” of tournament victories floundered this week as he battled not only the conditions but a reduced handicap as well.
“I really thought I had it in me to win again, even with the tighter handicap. In fact I told my wife that if I won this year then I would play a bit more often on her fairways, if you know what I mean. For some reason, she is rapt that I lost!”
A downcast Haydn apologised to his fellow golfers for losing the title to Regan, and vowed to win it back again next year.
“I want to apologise to all the Moeies, but remember, I’m hurting too. To lose is upsetting; to lose to Andrew Regan is just shattering.”
There’s Nothing Like a Dame
When it comes to the winners of past Longest Drive awards, there is one name conspicuously missing – Damian Lee. Consistently out-driving everyone else (except, perhaps, Collopy in a Pug), Lee plays his golf like Philippoussis plays his tennis and despite all that talent, Dame has never won this blue chip award.
This year, however, like the Scud in the Davis Cup, Lee nailed his attempt on the Sunday with a drive that had more length than Dirk Diggler on Viagra and was sufficient to take the prize.
Lee was typically reserved when discussing his driving, “Awesome, just awesome. I was singularly focused on winning the LD. To do that and win two NTP’s as well is far better than winning the tournament. Its worth more golf balls and I get to use some jargon.”
Dean Releases Beaver
Dean Kohlman has shown he is perhaps the most versatile of the Moe contenders, and maybe the pin-up boy as well, with the release of his band’s long awaited album of love songs dedicated to the joys of the beaver.
After countless production hiccups, Kohlman’s boy-band Deano & The Wet Ones “finally fucking finished the cunt” last week and are sure it will be a chart-topper.
The song list reads like an all time best of. From the touching “You’ve Lost That Beaver Feeling”, “Living Next Door To Beaver” and “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Beaver”, to the classic bachelor’s anthem “All My Friends Are Getting Beaver”, Dean has personally selected the songs closest to his heart.
“My all time favourite is Kylie’s ‘Beaver’…and I’m not just talking about the song!”
The CD is available now from all good adult bookstores.
THE THREE WISE MONKEYS
GOLF’S TRENDSETTERS
Event originators and organizers Jerome Collopy, Damian Lee and Andrew Regan are to be congratulated not just for delivering another wonderful tournament, but also for setting the trend world wide. Check out the following web-sites: fuzzyng.tripod.com/littlemoeinvitational/id17.html http://www.greatlakestour.com/html/championship and read about how the rest of the world is following our lead and wanting a bit of Moe action.
The Moe Norman Invitational 