The Official Newspaper of The Moe Norman Invitational
– Pete Fary Edition –
November 9, 2009
At Flemington on Tuesday It Was ‘Shocking’ But At Moonah on Sunday It Was
‘F A Z T A S T I C’
Fazmania gripped Moonah Links as Andrew Regan and Pete Fary (AKA Reegs and the Fazman) took The Moe Norman by the scruff of the neck, never opening the door until they had closed the gate on their opponents with mesmerizing golf and woefully mixed metaphors.
Describing his watershed weekend, Pete said that it was just a matter of negotiating the first hole. “Once I had successfully knocked that one over, the rest simply followed. I call it the Faz domino effect”.
Much had changed this year, and Pete reckons it is all about the preparation. “I realised it is just so important to make sure you prepare properly. The clothes, the hat, the clubs – the charm. Everything has to be just right. Sources close to me, family insiders and close friends have all commented that I have become kind of faztidious”.
Walking the stretch of the 18th fairway on Sunday afternoon was one of Pete’s proudest moments. “This really is a dream come true – to have carried Reegs for two days and see off the challengers just gives me enormous belief. And when I tell my grandkids it will literally be the stuff of Fary tales.
So popular was the win Pete now has his own supporter base – The Faznatics – and a tribute band that will be performing at faztivals everywhere.
The Moe – How It Unfolded
Day 1 – The Peninsula Plods
On a tough course where under par scores were unheard of, Faz took Reegs on his shoulders and proceeded to carry him to a 3 stroke overnight lead. Whilst they finished 3rd and 8th respectively in the Individual event, they teamed nicely to be the clubhouse Teams leader.
Kevin and John had cracking days to jointly lead the Individual event but they also happened to be teamed with Hamish and Alex – and this proved to be to the detriment of each.
Highly fancied pairing Damien and Mitch also struggled, with Dame having a decent hit-out but Mitch, playing off just 13, managed to compile only 16 points.
Co-Defending champions Joffa and Dean did not start well either – in fact, only just above Dame and Mitch. Dean was particularly woeful with only 14 points whereas Joffa didn’t fare too badly with a respectable 26.
New kid on the block Richard Vasta announced his arrival with a stupendous drive to take out the biggest hit award and Mark Law celebrated his return to the big league with a scrumptious tee shot that ended within feet of the hole.
Day 1 Standings
Teams Event 1. Andrew & Faz Individual 1. John/Kevin
2. Alex & John 3. Roddy/Faz/Jerome
3. Roddy & Mark
Hamish & Kevin
Longest Drive: Richard Vasta Nearest the Pin: Mark Law
Day 1 – Because the Night Belongs to Kevin
With the completion of hostilities for the day it was time for the tournament to head to the Sorrento Hotel for the Moe Norman Gala Dinner. Once the kitchen had dished up 16 porterhouses (with chips and salad) and the waiters poured a few glasses of pretentious Peninsula pinot (T’Gallant anyone?), it was time for to sit back and watch the Kevin Kennedy show.
Plied with enough alcohol to sink the Spanish Armada, Kevin danced, sang and wooed the locals with some fancy footwork, dulcet toning, smooth moves and a healthy dose of rat-cunning. Mitch also had a bit of a dip as far as the grog goes (thankfully, for their sake, he left the ladies alone) and both were to find that this is not conducive to good golf the following day.
Day 2 – The Prince Regan
The competition heated up on Day 2, where it was off to the Legends Course at Moonah Links to see Andrew Regan finally provide some support to Faz when he registered the only sub-par round of the tournament.
Jez stormed home in the back stretch to pip John and Andrew for the Individual, while Robbo nosedived down the placings and Kevin suffered the effects of the night before (note – DT’s are not you friend when you are putting).
The biggest slider of the day, though, was Roddy who slipped from 3rd to 11th. He did manage to pick up the Nearest the Pin award which was some consolation, and Richard backed up his previous day’s effort in denying Dame Lee a longest drive gong this year.
But the runaway highlight for the day was Pete’s supreme shot at one of the par 3’s, which very nearly resulted in the first ever hole-in-one at The Moe Norman Invitational. What an absolute indictment on the performances of those lower handicapped golfers that would have been!
The much coveted N.A.G.A., the award rated above all others by any self-respecting hack golfer, was won with distinction this year by new hack on the block, David Regan. So bad was his first round that he managed just 11 points in 18 holes – that’s 25 over par! Considering his handicap was 27 David proved himself to be to the Moe Norman what Zimbabwe is to world cricket…or fiscal policy…or law and order…
Final Results
Teams Event 1. Andrew & Faz Individual 1. Jerome
2. Roddy & Mark 2. Andrew
3. Alex & John John
Longest Drive: Richard Vasta Nearest the Pin: Roddy Croes
N.A.G.A.: David Regan
We Three Reegs Disoriented Moe
This year saw the introduction of a new branch-stacking strategy by Andrew Regan to get his family name on the trophy – he got an extra brother to play. By brilliantly ensuring that none were teamed together, 3 teams out of 8 contained a Regan, increasing the family’s chances to a whopping 37.5%…of course, that’s 300% better than anyone else. This is called Reganomics.
With backbencher unrest, there is a big push to evoke the Saving Private Ryan Rule: that once a family has lost two brothers to The Moe, all others must stay home.
One Regan Motors
With victory in the Teams and a barnstorming equal 2nd in the Individual, Andrew had a tournament to remember in 2009 – which, undoubtedly, he will do and happily relive every moment to anyone who is willing to listen.
One Stutters
Medicine Man John Regan started the tournament in brilliant touch, finding the greens with surgical precision and ending the first round leading the Individual event and coming second in the Teams. However, he stuttered and spluttered on the Sunday, slipping to 2nd in the Individual and 3rd in the Teams, meaning he got stitched up by his brother Andrew.
David ‘Trevor Chappell’ Regan, the questionably talented brother and last of the three to play at this level, never really got going in his debut appearance. He seemed more interested in promoting his Johnny Depp look that he clearly pirated from the Caribbean films than (1) keeping golf balls and (2) actually registering a score.
Jerome Collopy: “I’m Just Like Tiger”
On a weekend when crowds flocked to Kingston Heath to watch a Tiger prowl, The Moe’s own cat Jerome Collopy was tearing up the back nine at Moonah Links to secure the Individual’s Trophy.
When asked to describe his performance, Jerome simply borrowed a line from The Saints and replied “Just like Tiger Woods, I burned up”
Quizzed on whether the Individual was comparable with the Teams event, Jerome bristled: “Since when has golf been a team sport?”
Hamish Sutherland: “I’m Just Like IBF”
The player formerly known as talented, Hamish Sutherland, had another disappointing year in which he compared himself not to Tiger, but instead to IBF. “And it’s not just Ian Baker-Finch I’m talking about. The International Boxing Federation has been a fucking disgrace for years”.
Having once possessed the uncanny ability to take a two on a par 5, the Aberdeen Albatross is probably further away from victory than he ever has been.
It’s True!
With Haydn and Matt both in absentia, this year’s Moe was like a squat house in North Melbourne…there was a Wall missing and it was Scott-free.
Matty/Haydn has also been sorely missed from the Australian XI.
Mark Law: The Messiah
It was described as something of a religious experience: the year that saw the second coming of Mark ‘The Messiah’ Law. It also saw Mark coming second. Again. Sticking fat to one of Moe’s greatest traditions, Mark explained that his second placing was largely due to being horribly let down by Roddy on the Sunday: “He scored 10 less than me; we lost by 8. What do you reckon is going on?”
While he refrained from chucking a wobbly on the course, Mark nearly threw a Rod after the game…
Roddy – I Am A Patsy
Still denying that he undermined Mark on the weekend, Roddy refuses to confirm what Mark is suggesting – that he was a mole placed by Reegs to ensure Mark did not finish higher or lower than 2nd.
“No, I’m not a mole – I am a patsy!”
Alex – Thinking Woman’s Crumpet
Like a Jetstar flight out of Launceston, Alex’s game was grounded this year as he failed to climb the dizzy heights of previous Moe Norman conquests. Saturday was especially disappointing although Alex did manage to restore some respectability at Moonah.
Always impressing the women with his deep intellectualism, The Moe’s resident Philosopher Laureate, Alex took a sardonic view: “No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.”
He also invoked the spirit of early “C’mon Aussie, C’mon” tunes, added confidently “Bring The Moe to Queensland and, gentlemen, I’ll tan your flaming hides”
Surpassing recent efforts, Kevin Kennedy put in such a monumental performance at the bar on Saturday night that when he tee’d off on Sunday he was still blowing 0.7.
Although Kevin did not “kick any goals” he does take home the prestigious Kohlman Medal for the amount of alcohol consumed.
In a controversial decision, Kevin also won the inaugural Dapper Dan Man award for the keenest dress sense. Whilst it is undisputed that Roddy Croes had the finer attire and was the pinnacle in presentation, Kevin won the award based on his ability to detect a dress within seconds of it entering the hotel.
Richard Vasta put on a driving clinic on the weekend, playing golf like a Coonawarra cabernet: displaying bold characteristics, exquisite finesse and a long finish. In handicaps terms, Richard was something of a proctologist – a single digit sensation providing that extra touch to this year’s tournament.
Actually nicknamed ‘Nullabor’ for his propensity to drive huge distances, his twin efforts in taking the longest drive awards rounded off an impressive debut – but one that will have Damian Lee seeking redemption next year. Gossip site TMZ has already linked Dame with former US ice skater Tonya Harding.
Robbo Fits the Bill
If players were Rock Gods, then undoubtedly Andrew ‘The Magnet’ Robertson would be Bill Wyman. The rhythm section of any outfit, Robbo is ever-reliable and his consistency shows in his freakish ability to perform on the Sunday as he did on the Saturday. Unfortunately for him, Saturday’s effort was shit.
Also like Bill Wyman, Robbo is rumoured to have bedded over one thousand women and his animal magnetism was on display on Saturday night. His effort in jagging back 3 stunners from a wedding and keeping them at Moonah until 4:30am is a testament to his pulling power. Deano, Joffa, and Kevin were all there waiting in hope for the off-cuts. But as Robbo said, “I’m not a butcher – I don’t give off-cuts”
It’s True!
Pete Fary’s massive weekend shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone as ‘Pistol Pete’ has always been a gun golfer. Even in his first game, he hit 22 on the first hole and went round in 303.
15 Seconds With… Dean Kohlman
Ed: How would you describe your game this year, Dean?
DK: Fucking shithouse
Ed: Who was to blame for your result?
DK: Fucking Reegs
Ed: Any words for the winners?
DK: Nah, fuck ‘em.
The interview was terminated early.
Player Profile: Gerard Phillips
Nickname: Joffa
Likes: To have them rolling in the aisles
Favourite Actor: Lou Diamond Phillips
Favourite Band: Wilson Phillips
Favourite cricketer: Wayne Phillips
Star Sign: When I give my autograph
Inspiration: Collingwood Cheer Squad Leader
Mitch Not Waring Dame Blame
Dissention within the ranks was the story of the day for Mitch and Dame, with the former incurring the latter’s wrath at the completion of the tournament.
Having finished stone motherless last after both days Dame was quoted at the 19th as saying: “Next time I get a Mitch, I’ll scratch it. I will take my part of responsibility, but in the main Waring was to blame”.
Not to be outdone, Mitch defended his game: “I am not going to play the blame game with Dame. I put in on the Saturday night so as far as I am concerned that makes a successful weekend.”
Matt Finish-ed?
While it is considered a certainty that Haydn Wall, Tim Beil and Gavin Collopy will all return to The Moe, there is a rumour circulating that Matt Scott may have played his final tournament. Unless he is planning on doing a Johnny Farnham-style comeback, we may have seen him for The Last Time.
Moe on the Coast? Gold!
Glimmer twins Mick Jagger and Keith Richards once penned “Gold Coast slave ship bound for cotton fields”.
They could just as easily have written “Moe Norman Invitational bound for the Gold Coast” – although it wouldn’t have made much sense and the meter is all wrong. But the sentiment is spot on…
It is another tradition that for the days and weeks following The Moe the talk is all about the Gold Coast next year. Stay tuned for the cancellation email from Reegs around about May.
The Moe Norman Invitational 
